Note From Shihan Ed Catron:
As you all well know, bullying involving our youth is becoming an epidemic problem in our society. We have
provided a lot of information for you to view and share with your loved ones. Some of which is that of our own and
some of which has been taken from outside sources. Please read this information and share it. Some of the
information contained here may seem at first glance to be a little harsh but please read it with an open mind and try
to place yourself in the situation and imagine what you would do to prevent physical harm to yourself or someone
you are with, an example given in one of the articles taken from an outside source, the author gives an example of
the bullied victim being physically abused or perceives that they are about to be harmed and pulls the fire alarm. In
this situation the child brings a lot of attention to the situation which in return may just save their life. In today’s
society our children are being physically, mentally, emotionally, and in some cases killed. We owe it to our children
to prepare them physically, mentally, and emotionally to prepare them for these situations.
At RTMMA we have worked with the school systems for years dealing with not only those doing the bullying, but also
those that have been bullied. We have found that in most cases all that is needed is a redirection of mental thought
and energy on behalf of both victims. Most people associate the martial arts as just fighting. At RTMMA we focus
on self improvement with defense and fighting being just a small portion of our programs. The goal of any martial
arts should focus on making the student a better person in all aspects of their daily living teaching self control,
motivation, confidence, respect, and finally when needed how to protect their self. Thank you visiting this page. I
hope you find the information useful and please check back often as more and more information will be added from
time to time.
Here are some School Bullying Statistics from 2009 Surveys:
*Over 75% of our students are subjected to harassment by a bully or Cyber-Bully and experience physical,
psychological and/or emotional abuse.
*Over 20% of our kids admit to being a bully or participating in bully-like activities.
*Over one half of bullying & Cyber-Bullying events go unreported to authorities or parents.
*In 2009 surveys showed over 100,000 children carried guns to school as a result of being bullied.
*28% of students who carry weapons in school have witnessed violence in their homes.
*On a daily average 160,000 children miss school because they fear they will be bullied if they attend classes.
*On a monthly average 282,000 students are physically attacked by a bully each month.
*Every seven minutes a child is bullied on a school playground with over 85% of those instances occurring without
any intervention.
*46% of males and 26% of females admit to having been involved in physical fights as a result of being bullied.
*Over 85% of our teenagers say that revenge as an aftermath of being bullied is the leading cause for school
shootings and homicide.
*The top 5 states in regards to reported incidents of bullying and Cyber-Bullying are California, New York, Illinois,
Pennsylvania, and Washington.
*A child commits suicide as a direct result of being bullied once every half hour with 19,000 bullied children
attempting to commit suicide over the course of one year.
As you can see from the school bullying statistics listed above it is indeed a serious problem that must be addressed
whenever discovered.
Unfortunately, as indicated above, most instances of school bully activity go unreported by the student victims.
This makes it very difficult for teachers or parents to intervene on behalf of the victim and provide the proper
counseling needed for the victim as well as the bully.
A relatively new type of bully, the Cyber-Bully, is relevant in schools as well as home and is a growing concern for
parents when trying to protect their kids from this form of abuse.
Cyber-Bullying is the harassment of kids through the use of the internet and filters into the schools when kids return
to classes.
It is so serious that over one third of our kids who frequent the internet are victims of the Cyber-Bully.
When I was in school there was the dreaded bully taking advantage of the children who, for no fault of their own,
were singled out as targets.
This menace still lurks in the hallways and playgrounds of our schools.
In a publication titled "Bullycide: Death at Playtime" it is said that a victim of a bully commits suicide (Bullycide) once
every half hour and that 19,000 children attempt suicide every year as a direct result of depression caused by being
bullied.
Parents cannot make light of the situation. We cannot just tell our children to ignore the bully and he will leave you
alone. We must become pro-active!
Recent surveys indicate:
*46 percent of boys and 26 percent of girls have has physical abuse as a result of bullying.
*Every day over 160,000 students are truant for fear of being bullied.
*77 percent of our kids state that at one time or another they were subjected to the harassment of a bully.
*Males are more likely to be bullied than females.
*Male bullying usually tend to be of a physical nature whereas females who bully usually do so in the form of verbal
harassment.
How do we know our kids are being bullied?
There is the "Code of Silence" we all knew as kids. This makes it very difficult for us as parents to know when our
kids are being bullied. Kids are afraid that if they tell parents or teachers they are being bullied that the bullies will
retaliate with even more severe abuse.
In addition kids do not want to be identified as a "rat".
Some indicators that you may look out for:
*Bruises or torn clothing noted and the child is reluctant to explain why.
*Your child shows signs of depression, lack of self esteem or self worth.
*A significant and unexplained drop in grade averages.
*They constantly come up reasons they feel they should not go to school.
*Your child comes home without items they took to school, again without explanation.
*Radical unexplained changes in your child's behavior.
How do you protect your child from bullying?
This question is very difficult to answer for several reasons.
*Every child is an individual and unique in themselves. What works with one child will not necessarily work with
another.
*As explained above, children do not want to break the "Code of Silence" and will be reluctant to tell you if they are
being bullied.
One thing that I am absolutely certain of, it only takes one traumatic bullying episode to cause emotional damage to
your child and all parents need to take the problem of bullying with extreme care and immediacy.
Bullying is not a one-time deal. It's repetitive, caustic, and sometimes devastating in its violence-with consequences
that can last a lifetime. Moreover . . .
1. Pennsylvania is the fourth worst state to live in when it comes to bullying.
2. According to a U.S. Department of Education/U.S. Justice Department report, 32% of our 12- to 18-year-olds
have been victimized by a classmate.
3. In a recent National Institutes of Health study of 1,782 children in grades six through ten, 20.8% had either
physically bullied others or been bullied; 53.5% were victims of verbal bullying; 51.4% experienced relational
bullying, such as exclusion, rumors, and cyberbullying.
4. Bullying seems to peak in middle school--particularly in 7th and 8th grade.
5. Girls are more likely to be victims of relational bullying, while boys are more often involved in physical or verbal
abuse.
6. Bullying is enabled by good people who do nothing-in other words, bystanders who witness or hear about abuse,
walk away, and keep silent. That includes adults.
The problem has also gone way beyond name-calling, teasing, and shunning. There seem to be no limits nowadays,
which is why so many school districts across the country have already implemented anti-bullying programs, such as
Olweus.
Says attorney Joseph Braun, "It's starting to become more physical, more sexual, and it's not just emotional bullying
like we've seen in the past." Consider the five California students who plastic- wrapped and duct-taped a classmate,
then proceeded to mock him-and tried several times to attach him to a wall, as well. Only a trickle of blood brought
the horror to an end. Several witnesses fled the scene and stayed mum. Then there was the recent rape with a
hockey stick and broom handle of a ninth grade Florida boy by four flag football players . . .
Worse yet, many children don't tell anyone what's going on, sometimes out of fear it will only make matters worse or
be told to either ignore the bully and walk away or not make such a big deal about it. It is a big deal, however, and
parents must be watchful.
Signs to Look For:
o Disarrayed clothing
o Damaged books
o A reluctance to go to school
o Repeated complaints of headaches and stomach aches
o Sleep issues
o Loss of interest in school and/or favorite activities
o Anxious and/or depressed affect
o Few friends and few invitations
When your suspicions are confirmed or your child comes to you . . .
1. Don't be dismissive. Listen carefully, quietly, and without interruption.
2. Take the problem seriously, but don't over-react.
3. Don't blame your child or act as if s/he somehow invited the abusive behavior.
4. Make home a safe haven-a place where your child can speak openly and unconditionally.
5. Encourage your child to get involved in a hobby, sport, or scouting.
6. Cultivate your child's social skills.
7. Make sure your child feels supported and knows that you're on her/his side.
8. Encourage new friends.
9. Don't call the bully's parents.
10. Be truthful about how you'll proceed, starting with contacting your child's teacher(s).
Don't be surprised if your child reacts negatively to the prospect of your involving the school, but make the call
despite the heart-breaking pleading; you can't handle this entirely on your own. Explain that bullying is a problem for
all children, hence all adults, and teachers are your first line of defense and need to be alerted.
When you make the call, be sure to have your facts--who, what, where, when, and how-straight, documented and
dated. Expect a call back from your child's teacher(s) within a few days-hopefully that same day. If no remedy is
forthcoming, request a meeting with the principal. Meanwhile, don't forget to summarize and date all contacts with
school personnel.
If the abuse warrants it, such as in the case of a physical or sexual assault, contact the police immediately and have
a report typed up. Bullies, bystanders, and their parents must be held accountable-and they are in our courts of law.
Bottom line: Don't go it alone; take action, empowering your child with your support and empathy. Yes, kids will be
kids, but the rules have unfortunately changed, making bullying an even bigger deal nowadays. And remember: so-
called harmless mistreatment can, over time, escalate.
As parents it's sometimes difficult to decide how to protect our children from school bullies while at the same time
giving them the tools they need to learn how to deal with it themselves. In the earlier years of grade school we
usually take care of protecting our kids by doing it for them -- we are the ones who speak with the teacher or other
parent. However, as they grow up and begin to seek their own ways of dealing with things they eventually stop
coming to us for help.
Between the time when a parent is the child's sole defender and the point when they take on the role themselves,
it's useful to have an interim period of learning which incorporates both tactics of defense. We, as parents, can
teach our children 3 basic steps to remember when addressing bullying type issues in school:
1. Assert yourself.
Essentially, the first time bullying happens it's possible the child doing the bullying might not know how hurtful their
words or actions are (or at least we can teach our children to begin by giving them the benefit of the doubt). In this
step the most important component is that your child needs to be able to tell his/her classmate what, specifically, it is
they would like to have change -- what exact behavior needs to stop; Was it certain words they used? Was it the
tone of their voice? Was it a specific name they were called? Was it any type of touch or hitting? Was it a specific
action?
At first it may not be easy for your child to explain because children do not automatically have the skills needed to
articulate what they're feeling, or what specifically is causing it. In some cases the issue that is causing the
discomfort may not be so black & white because it'll be something that they don't want to stop entirely -- such as a
fun game that maybe just went a little too far. Whatever the situation, it's necessary to teach your child to focus on
noticing what it is that the other person(s) is doing that isn't okay, and then get specific to the things they see, hear
or physically experience in order to describe them.
This is the point where you need to then help them focus on what they want instead. The main reason is that if you
ask a bully to "stop" a particular behavior then you've given them the freedom to do another, just as hurtful, bullying
behavior. Instead, help your child determine what they want and how they want it. With that you can help them put
those expectations into multiple different sentences which they can use against the bully. You must help them
determine the actual words they can say to the bully in order to assert what they want changed!
2. Utilize the systems in place.
If your child confronts the bully without success, then the next time it happens they should escalate their tactics to
incorporate any systems already available to them. In this case they would go to the teacher and ask for their
assistance in dealing with the matter. At this point you can basically go through the same process for asserting
themselves, but with small change -- you must set your expectations of what they need the teacher to do.
At the end of the process you'll need to take a more active role in helping them put together the right words to say
when talking to their teacher. The goal here is to get the teacher to understand that for the child this is a serious
problem and subsequently the teacher should take it seriously, too. You need to give them sentences which you
know the teacher, as an adult, will not simply dismiss as "a minor childish problem which -- if left to their own devices
-- the kids will figure out and the problem will probably solve itself."
For older children who feel a certain sense of shame in going to the teacher (mainly because kids make fun of
people who have to get a grown up to protect them), you as the adult need to have a way of framing it so they think
of it differently. One suggestion is to have the child simply present this tactic to the bully as a symbol of status and
power -- as if the child is in charge and the teacher will act in service to them. An example is, "I don't need to deal
with this -- if you keep it up I'll simply have the teacher deal with you."
However, it's important to remember that the teacher needs to be respected as well, so when your child presents
this option to a person in authority it's often valuable to offer up a solution such as mediation (where the teacher
meets with both children at the same time and they each have an opportunity to present their side of the story). The
benefit of this is to make things easier for the teacher so they are more likely to act while at the same time showing
the bully a strong degree of self-confidence in managing the bully's "childish behaviors" using "mature tactics."
3. Find allies beyond the current system.
In a perfect world this is where bullying should stop, but sometimes it doesn't. In these situations your kid should
have a back-up plan -- and that's YOU!
As the parent it is these times you need to step up and take action. The best is to meet with the principal rather than
the teacher (remember that "shit rolls down hill" so they will have more influence on the teacher than you will) and
present your concerns along with the desired solutions. It is valuable for your child to be present at this meeting so
that you can demonstrate a clear example of how they should learn to deal with interpersonal conflict as an adult.
4. Have a pre-prepared "Hail Mary Play."
The "Hail Mary Pass" or "Hail Mary Play" is a famous American football term commonly used to describe a final play
made in desperation with only a small chance of success. With regard to school bullying this comes after you've
both made all possible attempts to work within the rules of the system to deal with the bullying problem. If, after
you've spoken with the principal of the school, the issue continues to happen, then you should give your child
permission & guidance of how to appropriately go outside society's standard procedures.
Teachers and school administration often avoid getting involved in difficult issues between students because in our
society they risk their own consequences if they don't handle it properly. So our underlying goal is to make the
child's bullying problem an issue for EVERYONE right in the moment that the bullying is happening -- because when
a teacher can't do their job then they must take action. Examples I've given kids include:
Yelling -- freak out, scream, get angry & loud, and make a scene about anything at all (NEVER hitting or becoming
destructive).
Become obscene -- start swearing up a "blue streak" at the top of their lungs.
Pull the fire alarm [Worst case scenario only, such as fear of physical harm!] -- it's amazing how quickly the
community becomes involved when the media reports that police, fire department and ambulance were called to a
school for bullying.
In each of these cases your child will be most likely be taken to the office. After being "taken into custody" it is
important that the child follow up their behavior by repeating nonstop "Call my Mom" or "Call my Dad" over and over
and over until you can get there. They should say nothing else; no explanation, no defending their behavior -- when
you arrive it will then be in your hands to justify what has happened and explain how it would be unacceptable for
any discipline to happen against your child since the school didn't do anything about the bullying problem.
These final tactics may seem extreme; however, in comparison to a child making the decision on their own to go
outside normal behavior, everyone will agree that these kinds of Hail Mary Plays are much better choices than a kid
bringing a gun to school as a means of solving things their own way.
Dr. Daniel Scott, Msc.D, NLP.T, CHt.
Verbal Self Defense Tactics
Soaring Success Personal Excellence Coaching
What is bullying? Hitting, name-calling, exclusion, or other behavior that is meant to hurt
another person. Bullying is often carried out by someone who has more power against someone
who has less power. Bullying is like child abuse, rape, sexual harassment, and racism in these
ways: there is an imbalance of power; the aggressor blames the target for causing the
harassment; targets often come to blame themselves.
Do we have to know that someone means to hurt someone else before we can discipline for
behavior that hurts? No. When we discourage unacceptable peer-to-peer aggression we also
deal with bullying.
What are the effects of bullying? Bullying affects both targets and youth who bully. Targets of
bullying are more likely to grow up depressed and anxious unless the bullying is stopped. Youth
who bully are much more likely than non-bullies to become adult criminals.
Why not just tell kids to stand up for themselves or pretend it doesn’t bother them?
They’ve most likely already tried both of these interventions before asking us for help. If these
strategies worked, they would already have solved the problem.
What parenting styles lead to young people becoming (or not becoming) bullies? There are
many other factors outside the family. Families where discipline is inconsistent and where there
is little warmth and adult attention are more likely to raise children who bully. Consistent, fair
discipline teaches self-control and responsibility. Warmth and time spent together teach
connection and empathy.
What about factors outside the family? The more violent television, violent movies, violent
video games, and music glorifying violence kids are exposed to, the more likely they are to solve
problems in violent ways. We can limit kids’ exposure to all these media.
What parenting style has the best results? Authoritative parents, who have clear rules and
follow through on expectations AND who show love and interest in the child’s feelings tend to
raise the most confident, successful children. Authoritarian parents, who have clear (sometimes rigid) rules and who
show little love or interest in their children tend to raise children who either live by rules or rebel against them.
Permissive parents, who give their children love and have
inconsistent rules, tend to raise children who are confident and secure, but who may not use self control and may
not respec tthe rights of others.
How can I set up a family discipline program that is consistent and effective? It’s best to start with no more than five
specific house rules that all the adults in the home agree are
important and that apply to everyone. Some examples of house rules are: “No hitting or teasing;”
“Do your homework and your chores on time;” “Follow directions after one reminder without
screaming or whining.” Then make a list of all the privileges your children have, including TV,
phone, rides, clothes of their choosing, video games, and other things you let them do or do for
them. Take out of the list everything that has to be free for the child- those privileges, like
sleeping in a bed or eating, that every child deserves- no matter how they act- without having to
earn them. List the other privileges - at least 12- in order based on how much YOU would be
unhappy if your child did not earn those privileges.
Now you are ready to begin. After you explain the rules and the behavior system to them, every
time children break a house rule they move down one level on the privilege chart. They can now
Stopping bullying and raising responsible, caring children- a guide for parents
have the privileges below that level, but not the ones above. A White board and markers are a
useful tool in making this clear. For young children (age 5-7), allow them to earn back one level
every two days based on behavior. For young people age 8 and above, allow them to earn back
one level each Friday based on behavior through the week. Privileges can be lost at any time, but only earned back
one at a time at these specified times. Avoid warning, threatening, begging,
second chances, arguing, or using anger. Instead, calmly let your child lose privileges every time
he or she breaks a house rule. Remember to give lots of positive attention and spend time playing
with, reading with, and enjoying your child whether she is misbehaving or not. Love does not
have to be earned.
What is the one most important thing for parents to do? The more time you spend with your
children- at every age- doing things you both enjoy, the closer you will be to them and the
happier they will be. Schedule special times for each child and stick to the schedule. Cut back
dance, clubs, or sports if necessary to make that happen.
What kinds of praise work best? Praise is important. General, non-specific praise like “you’re
so smart” or “Good job” doesn’t help young people see what they did right and may make them
afraid to risk failure if they think they can only be smart when they do something right. Imessage praise “I’m so proud
of you when you….” tells young people that they are responsible
for our feelings and thus may lead to dependency or rebellion. Telling young people exactly
what they did, and what positive results their actions have, empowers them and helps them
be proud of their own behavior. “I noticed you helped your brother get dressed for school. He
was smiling after you did that.” “You studied the last three nights- and you got a 95 on this test!”
“I saw you control yourself when Suzie yelled at you- and you stayed out of trouble.”
What about bullying prevention programs in schools? Research-based bullying prevention
programs combine six basic strategies school lwide:
1. Clear expectations and school-wide consistent consequences for words or actions that are
likely to hurt others or make them feel unsafe.
2. Positive staff-student connections and frequent action-based praise
3. Staff spend time with students
4. School staff help aggressive youth change
5. Staff support young people who are bullied
6. Staff help bystanders reach out to youth who are bullied to support them.
How can I talk with my child if he or she bullies someone else? Help your child tell you exactly what he or she did,
without excuses or blaming others. Remember that even if the other student involved did something, your child
made a choice to do what he did. Encourage her to talk about how that behavior affected the other person. Help him
find the goal he was trying to reach through hurting the other person- Did he want attention? Power? Fun? To be
left alone?
And help her find other ways to reach that goal without hurting others. If your child has been
punished at school, it will probably not be necessary to punish again at home (unless the
behavior was severe). Encourage your child to behave better next time.
How can I support my child if he or she is bullied at school? Avoid blaming your child for what others have done to
him or her. Think twice before giving advice- your child may have already tried the strategies you are going to
suggest. Get as much information as you can. Talk with your child’s teacher, principal, or counselor and ask them to
help your child be safe. Their intervention may include consequences for the student who bullies, increased
supervision, and helping your child make more friends if he or she is isolated. Ask your child what she has already
tried to resolve the problem. Praise her for all the things she has tried. Give him permission to stop doing the things
that haven’t worked to stop the bullying. Encourage him to keep telling you and other adults. Help him to think about
what has worked- or what might work. If your child is isolated, help her make connections through activities, hobbies,
or clubs. Help your child to heal through art, hobbies, positive relationships at school and away from school, and
through helping your child see the cruel behavior as a choice made by those who bullied him or her, rather than as
something he or she caused. What if my child is in an abusive friendship with someone who hurts him or her? Both
girls and boys sometimes get into friendships with someone who is a friend one day and mean the next; who talks
behind their backs; and who makes them feel that this mean behavior is somehow their fault. The best way for
young people to protect themselves from this hurt is to move on to other friendships, knowing that a real friend
doesn’t hurt you. Trudy Ludwig’s wonderful book My Secret Bully is a great help in talking about this issue with
young people. How can I encourage my child to speak up about bullying that he or she sees? Encourage
your children to join with others in telling adults when they see bullying and in reaching out in
friendship to isolated youth. Praise your children when they do these things. Remind them that
they have the power to help.
BULLYING
In the past, bullying was perceived as a fact of life and that kids should learn to just deal with it. Nowadays, a new
problem arises as teens and even young children are resorting to violence against others to release their stress and
tensions brought on by the bullying they endure. In some of these cases, the children have resorted to suicide
because they don't feel there's any other way to deal with what they're feeling. Here's how you can help:
Watch your child's behaviors for any changes- The best thing we can do as parents, is to encourage them to talk to
us and tell us when these things are happening, but most children aren't going to open up and tell you what's going
on. You will have to be perceptive to their behaviors and recognize when somethings amiss.
Some children being bullied will invent ways to get out of school or certain school activities. Other teens may have
trouble sleeping and concentrating when they're being bullied at school. Most of these children tend to become
depressed, irritable, and in some cases, physically ill. The best thing you can do for them is to keep in tune with their
behaviors as much as possible.
Talk to your child about Bullying-Your child's best defense against a bully is to know what to do before bullying
incidents start to occur. Make sure they know that it's not their fault that the bullying is taking place. You want them
to keep their self esteem intact as much as possible. Teach your child to avoid the bullies whenever they can,
without altering too much of their lives to do it.
Let them know that responding to a bully with violence will only make it worse. The ones that resort to bullying
activities thrive on the recipient's reaction; especially when it's fear. It's best to walk away when a bully approaches
you. If nothing else works for them, they can stand their ground and talk forcefully to the bully; letting them know that
they aren't afraid and won't be pushed around.
Work with school officials- If you know or even suspect that your child is being bullied, contact the school officials
and see what can be done about it. Schools have a responsibility to keep your child safe, so make sure they are
aware of the situation.
Keep in contact with them and see how things are coming along. Find out if the school is investigating and see if
they have done anything to rectify the situation, if one is occurring. If you feel the school isn't doing enough to fix the
situation, then don't be afraid to go to the school board to get answers and solutions.
The more we inform our children about bullies and not to become one themselves; the better off we will be for
protecting all children from these situations. With the rise in school shootings, schools are now implementing plans
to provide children with a safer place to get educated. Work with them as a team and hopefully, soon, this problem
will be a thing of the past.
As you all well know, bullying involving our youth is becoming an epidemic problem in our society. We have
provided a lot of information for you to view and share with your loved ones. Some of which is that of our own and
some of which has been taken from outside sources. Please read this information and share it. Some of the
information contained here may seem at first glance to be a little harsh but please read it with an open mind and try
to place yourself in the situation and imagine what you would do to prevent physical harm to yourself or someone
you are with, an example given in one of the articles taken from an outside source, the author gives an example of
the bullied victim being physically abused or perceives that they are about to be harmed and pulls the fire alarm. In
this situation the child brings a lot of attention to the situation which in return may just save their life. In today’s
society our children are being physically, mentally, emotionally, and in some cases killed. We owe it to our children
to prepare them physically, mentally, and emotionally to prepare them for these situations.
At RTMMA we have worked with the school systems for years dealing with not only those doing the bullying, but also
those that have been bullied. We have found that in most cases all that is needed is a redirection of mental thought
and energy on behalf of both victims. Most people associate the martial arts as just fighting. At RTMMA we focus
on self improvement with defense and fighting being just a small portion of our programs. The goal of any martial
arts should focus on making the student a better person in all aspects of their daily living teaching self control,
motivation, confidence, respect, and finally when needed how to protect their self. Thank you visiting this page. I
hope you find the information useful and please check back often as more and more information will be added from
time to time.
Here are some School Bullying Statistics from 2009 Surveys:
*Over 75% of our students are subjected to harassment by a bully or Cyber-Bully and experience physical,
psychological and/or emotional abuse.
*Over 20% of our kids admit to being a bully or participating in bully-like activities.
*Over one half of bullying & Cyber-Bullying events go unreported to authorities or parents.
*In 2009 surveys showed over 100,000 children carried guns to school as a result of being bullied.
*28% of students who carry weapons in school have witnessed violence in their homes.
*On a daily average 160,000 children miss school because they fear they will be bullied if they attend classes.
*On a monthly average 282,000 students are physically attacked by a bully each month.
*Every seven minutes a child is bullied on a school playground with over 85% of those instances occurring without
any intervention.
*46% of males and 26% of females admit to having been involved in physical fights as a result of being bullied.
*Over 85% of our teenagers say that revenge as an aftermath of being bullied is the leading cause for school
shootings and homicide.
*The top 5 states in regards to reported incidents of bullying and Cyber-Bullying are California, New York, Illinois,
Pennsylvania, and Washington.
*A child commits suicide as a direct result of being bullied once every half hour with 19,000 bullied children
attempting to commit suicide over the course of one year.
As you can see from the school bullying statistics listed above it is indeed a serious problem that must be addressed
whenever discovered.
Unfortunately, as indicated above, most instances of school bully activity go unreported by the student victims.
This makes it very difficult for teachers or parents to intervene on behalf of the victim and provide the proper
counseling needed for the victim as well as the bully.
A relatively new type of bully, the Cyber-Bully, is relevant in schools as well as home and is a growing concern for
parents when trying to protect their kids from this form of abuse.
Cyber-Bullying is the harassment of kids through the use of the internet and filters into the schools when kids return
to classes.
It is so serious that over one third of our kids who frequent the internet are victims of the Cyber-Bully.
When I was in school there was the dreaded bully taking advantage of the children who, for no fault of their own,
were singled out as targets.
This menace still lurks in the hallways and playgrounds of our schools.
In a publication titled "Bullycide: Death at Playtime" it is said that a victim of a bully commits suicide (Bullycide) once
every half hour and that 19,000 children attempt suicide every year as a direct result of depression caused by being
bullied.
Parents cannot make light of the situation. We cannot just tell our children to ignore the bully and he will leave you
alone. We must become pro-active!
Recent surveys indicate:
*46 percent of boys and 26 percent of girls have has physical abuse as a result of bullying.
*Every day over 160,000 students are truant for fear of being bullied.
*77 percent of our kids state that at one time or another they were subjected to the harassment of a bully.
*Males are more likely to be bullied than females.
*Male bullying usually tend to be of a physical nature whereas females who bully usually do so in the form of verbal
harassment.
How do we know our kids are being bullied?
There is the "Code of Silence" we all knew as kids. This makes it very difficult for us as parents to know when our
kids are being bullied. Kids are afraid that if they tell parents or teachers they are being bullied that the bullies will
retaliate with even more severe abuse.
In addition kids do not want to be identified as a "rat".
Some indicators that you may look out for:
*Bruises or torn clothing noted and the child is reluctant to explain why.
*Your child shows signs of depression, lack of self esteem or self worth.
*A significant and unexplained drop in grade averages.
*They constantly come up reasons they feel they should not go to school.
*Your child comes home without items they took to school, again without explanation.
*Radical unexplained changes in your child's behavior.
How do you protect your child from bullying?
This question is very difficult to answer for several reasons.
*Every child is an individual and unique in themselves. What works with one child will not necessarily work with
another.
*As explained above, children do not want to break the "Code of Silence" and will be reluctant to tell you if they are
being bullied.
One thing that I am absolutely certain of, it only takes one traumatic bullying episode to cause emotional damage to
your child and all parents need to take the problem of bullying with extreme care and immediacy.
Bullying is not a one-time deal. It's repetitive, caustic, and sometimes devastating in its violence-with consequences
that can last a lifetime. Moreover . . .
1. Pennsylvania is the fourth worst state to live in when it comes to bullying.
2. According to a U.S. Department of Education/U.S. Justice Department report, 32% of our 12- to 18-year-olds
have been victimized by a classmate.
3. In a recent National Institutes of Health study of 1,782 children in grades six through ten, 20.8% had either
physically bullied others or been bullied; 53.5% were victims of verbal bullying; 51.4% experienced relational
bullying, such as exclusion, rumors, and cyberbullying.
4. Bullying seems to peak in middle school--particularly in 7th and 8th grade.
5. Girls are more likely to be victims of relational bullying, while boys are more often involved in physical or verbal
abuse.
6. Bullying is enabled by good people who do nothing-in other words, bystanders who witness or hear about abuse,
walk away, and keep silent. That includes adults.
The problem has also gone way beyond name-calling, teasing, and shunning. There seem to be no limits nowadays,
which is why so many school districts across the country have already implemented anti-bullying programs, such as
Olweus.
Says attorney Joseph Braun, "It's starting to become more physical, more sexual, and it's not just emotional bullying
like we've seen in the past." Consider the five California students who plastic- wrapped and duct-taped a classmate,
then proceeded to mock him-and tried several times to attach him to a wall, as well. Only a trickle of blood brought
the horror to an end. Several witnesses fled the scene and stayed mum. Then there was the recent rape with a
hockey stick and broom handle of a ninth grade Florida boy by four flag football players . . .
Worse yet, many children don't tell anyone what's going on, sometimes out of fear it will only make matters worse or
be told to either ignore the bully and walk away or not make such a big deal about it. It is a big deal, however, and
parents must be watchful.
Signs to Look For:
o Disarrayed clothing
o Damaged books
o A reluctance to go to school
o Repeated complaints of headaches and stomach aches
o Sleep issues
o Loss of interest in school and/or favorite activities
o Anxious and/or depressed affect
o Few friends and few invitations
When your suspicions are confirmed or your child comes to you . . .
1. Don't be dismissive. Listen carefully, quietly, and without interruption.
2. Take the problem seriously, but don't over-react.
3. Don't blame your child or act as if s/he somehow invited the abusive behavior.
4. Make home a safe haven-a place where your child can speak openly and unconditionally.
5. Encourage your child to get involved in a hobby, sport, or scouting.
6. Cultivate your child's social skills.
7. Make sure your child feels supported and knows that you're on her/his side.
8. Encourage new friends.
9. Don't call the bully's parents.
10. Be truthful about how you'll proceed, starting with contacting your child's teacher(s).
Don't be surprised if your child reacts negatively to the prospect of your involving the school, but make the call
despite the heart-breaking pleading; you can't handle this entirely on your own. Explain that bullying is a problem for
all children, hence all adults, and teachers are your first line of defense and need to be alerted.
When you make the call, be sure to have your facts--who, what, where, when, and how-straight, documented and
dated. Expect a call back from your child's teacher(s) within a few days-hopefully that same day. If no remedy is
forthcoming, request a meeting with the principal. Meanwhile, don't forget to summarize and date all contacts with
school personnel.
If the abuse warrants it, such as in the case of a physical or sexual assault, contact the police immediately and have
a report typed up. Bullies, bystanders, and their parents must be held accountable-and they are in our courts of law.
Bottom line: Don't go it alone; take action, empowering your child with your support and empathy. Yes, kids will be
kids, but the rules have unfortunately changed, making bullying an even bigger deal nowadays. And remember: so-
called harmless mistreatment can, over time, escalate.
As parents it's sometimes difficult to decide how to protect our children from school bullies while at the same time
giving them the tools they need to learn how to deal with it themselves. In the earlier years of grade school we
usually take care of protecting our kids by doing it for them -- we are the ones who speak with the teacher or other
parent. However, as they grow up and begin to seek their own ways of dealing with things they eventually stop
coming to us for help.
Between the time when a parent is the child's sole defender and the point when they take on the role themselves,
it's useful to have an interim period of learning which incorporates both tactics of defense. We, as parents, can
teach our children 3 basic steps to remember when addressing bullying type issues in school:
1. Assert yourself.
Essentially, the first time bullying happens it's possible the child doing the bullying might not know how hurtful their
words or actions are (or at least we can teach our children to begin by giving them the benefit of the doubt). In this
step the most important component is that your child needs to be able to tell his/her classmate what, specifically, it is
they would like to have change -- what exact behavior needs to stop; Was it certain words they used? Was it the
tone of their voice? Was it a specific name they were called? Was it any type of touch or hitting? Was it a specific
action?
At first it may not be easy for your child to explain because children do not automatically have the skills needed to
articulate what they're feeling, or what specifically is causing it. In some cases the issue that is causing the
discomfort may not be so black & white because it'll be something that they don't want to stop entirely -- such as a
fun game that maybe just went a little too far. Whatever the situation, it's necessary to teach your child to focus on
noticing what it is that the other person(s) is doing that isn't okay, and then get specific to the things they see, hear
or physically experience in order to describe them.
This is the point where you need to then help them focus on what they want instead. The main reason is that if you
ask a bully to "stop" a particular behavior then you've given them the freedom to do another, just as hurtful, bullying
behavior. Instead, help your child determine what they want and how they want it. With that you can help them put
those expectations into multiple different sentences which they can use against the bully. You must help them
determine the actual words they can say to the bully in order to assert what they want changed!
2. Utilize the systems in place.
If your child confronts the bully without success, then the next time it happens they should escalate their tactics to
incorporate any systems already available to them. In this case they would go to the teacher and ask for their
assistance in dealing with the matter. At this point you can basically go through the same process for asserting
themselves, but with small change -- you must set your expectations of what they need the teacher to do.
At the end of the process you'll need to take a more active role in helping them put together the right words to say
when talking to their teacher. The goal here is to get the teacher to understand that for the child this is a serious
problem and subsequently the teacher should take it seriously, too. You need to give them sentences which you
know the teacher, as an adult, will not simply dismiss as "a minor childish problem which -- if left to their own devices
-- the kids will figure out and the problem will probably solve itself."
For older children who feel a certain sense of shame in going to the teacher (mainly because kids make fun of
people who have to get a grown up to protect them), you as the adult need to have a way of framing it so they think
of it differently. One suggestion is to have the child simply present this tactic to the bully as a symbol of status and
power -- as if the child is in charge and the teacher will act in service to them. An example is, "I don't need to deal
with this -- if you keep it up I'll simply have the teacher deal with you."
However, it's important to remember that the teacher needs to be respected as well, so when your child presents
this option to a person in authority it's often valuable to offer up a solution such as mediation (where the teacher
meets with both children at the same time and they each have an opportunity to present their side of the story). The
benefit of this is to make things easier for the teacher so they are more likely to act while at the same time showing
the bully a strong degree of self-confidence in managing the bully's "childish behaviors" using "mature tactics."
3. Find allies beyond the current system.
In a perfect world this is where bullying should stop, but sometimes it doesn't. In these situations your kid should
have a back-up plan -- and that's YOU!
As the parent it is these times you need to step up and take action. The best is to meet with the principal rather than
the teacher (remember that "shit rolls down hill" so they will have more influence on the teacher than you will) and
present your concerns along with the desired solutions. It is valuable for your child to be present at this meeting so
that you can demonstrate a clear example of how they should learn to deal with interpersonal conflict as an adult.
4. Have a pre-prepared "Hail Mary Play."
The "Hail Mary Pass" or "Hail Mary Play" is a famous American football term commonly used to describe a final play
made in desperation with only a small chance of success. With regard to school bullying this comes after you've
both made all possible attempts to work within the rules of the system to deal with the bullying problem. If, after
you've spoken with the principal of the school, the issue continues to happen, then you should give your child
permission & guidance of how to appropriately go outside society's standard procedures.
Teachers and school administration often avoid getting involved in difficult issues between students because in our
society they risk their own consequences if they don't handle it properly. So our underlying goal is to make the
child's bullying problem an issue for EVERYONE right in the moment that the bullying is happening -- because when
a teacher can't do their job then they must take action. Examples I've given kids include:
Yelling -- freak out, scream, get angry & loud, and make a scene about anything at all (NEVER hitting or becoming
destructive).
Become obscene -- start swearing up a "blue streak" at the top of their lungs.
Pull the fire alarm [Worst case scenario only, such as fear of physical harm!] -- it's amazing how quickly the
community becomes involved when the media reports that police, fire department and ambulance were called to a
school for bullying.
In each of these cases your child will be most likely be taken to the office. After being "taken into custody" it is
important that the child follow up their behavior by repeating nonstop "Call my Mom" or "Call my Dad" over and over
and over until you can get there. They should say nothing else; no explanation, no defending their behavior -- when
you arrive it will then be in your hands to justify what has happened and explain how it would be unacceptable for
any discipline to happen against your child since the school didn't do anything about the bullying problem.
These final tactics may seem extreme; however, in comparison to a child making the decision on their own to go
outside normal behavior, everyone will agree that these kinds of Hail Mary Plays are much better choices than a kid
bringing a gun to school as a means of solving things their own way.
Dr. Daniel Scott, Msc.D, NLP.T, CHt.
Verbal Self Defense Tactics
Soaring Success Personal Excellence Coaching
What is bullying? Hitting, name-calling, exclusion, or other behavior that is meant to hurt
another person. Bullying is often carried out by someone who has more power against someone
who has less power. Bullying is like child abuse, rape, sexual harassment, and racism in these
ways: there is an imbalance of power; the aggressor blames the target for causing the
harassment; targets often come to blame themselves.
Do we have to know that someone means to hurt someone else before we can discipline for
behavior that hurts? No. When we discourage unacceptable peer-to-peer aggression we also
deal with bullying.
What are the effects of bullying? Bullying affects both targets and youth who bully. Targets of
bullying are more likely to grow up depressed and anxious unless the bullying is stopped. Youth
who bully are much more likely than non-bullies to become adult criminals.
Why not just tell kids to stand up for themselves or pretend it doesn’t bother them?
They’ve most likely already tried both of these interventions before asking us for help. If these
strategies worked, they would already have solved the problem.
What parenting styles lead to young people becoming (or not becoming) bullies? There are
many other factors outside the family. Families where discipline is inconsistent and where there
is little warmth and adult attention are more likely to raise children who bully. Consistent, fair
discipline teaches self-control and responsibility. Warmth and time spent together teach
connection and empathy.
What about factors outside the family? The more violent television, violent movies, violent
video games, and music glorifying violence kids are exposed to, the more likely they are to solve
problems in violent ways. We can limit kids’ exposure to all these media.
What parenting style has the best results? Authoritative parents, who have clear rules and
follow through on expectations AND who show love and interest in the child’s feelings tend to
raise the most confident, successful children. Authoritarian parents, who have clear (sometimes rigid) rules and who
show little love or interest in their children tend to raise children who either live by rules or rebel against them.
Permissive parents, who give their children love and have
inconsistent rules, tend to raise children who are confident and secure, but who may not use self control and may
not respec tthe rights of others.
How can I set up a family discipline program that is consistent and effective? It’s best to start with no more than five
specific house rules that all the adults in the home agree are
important and that apply to everyone. Some examples of house rules are: “No hitting or teasing;”
“Do your homework and your chores on time;” “Follow directions after one reminder without
screaming or whining.” Then make a list of all the privileges your children have, including TV,
phone, rides, clothes of their choosing, video games, and other things you let them do or do for
them. Take out of the list everything that has to be free for the child- those privileges, like
sleeping in a bed or eating, that every child deserves- no matter how they act- without having to
earn them. List the other privileges - at least 12- in order based on how much YOU would be
unhappy if your child did not earn those privileges.
Now you are ready to begin. After you explain the rules and the behavior system to them, every
time children break a house rule they move down one level on the privilege chart. They can now
Stopping bullying and raising responsible, caring children- a guide for parents
have the privileges below that level, but not the ones above. A White board and markers are a
useful tool in making this clear. For young children (age 5-7), allow them to earn back one level
every two days based on behavior. For young people age 8 and above, allow them to earn back
one level each Friday based on behavior through the week. Privileges can be lost at any time, but only earned back
one at a time at these specified times. Avoid warning, threatening, begging,
second chances, arguing, or using anger. Instead, calmly let your child lose privileges every time
he or she breaks a house rule. Remember to give lots of positive attention and spend time playing
with, reading with, and enjoying your child whether she is misbehaving or not. Love does not
have to be earned.
What is the one most important thing for parents to do? The more time you spend with your
children- at every age- doing things you both enjoy, the closer you will be to them and the
happier they will be. Schedule special times for each child and stick to the schedule. Cut back
dance, clubs, or sports if necessary to make that happen.
What kinds of praise work best? Praise is important. General, non-specific praise like “you’re
so smart” or “Good job” doesn’t help young people see what they did right and may make them
afraid to risk failure if they think they can only be smart when they do something right. Imessage praise “I’m so proud
of you when you….” tells young people that they are responsible
for our feelings and thus may lead to dependency or rebellion. Telling young people exactly
what they did, and what positive results their actions have, empowers them and helps them
be proud of their own behavior. “I noticed you helped your brother get dressed for school. He
was smiling after you did that.” “You studied the last three nights- and you got a 95 on this test!”
“I saw you control yourself when Suzie yelled at you- and you stayed out of trouble.”
What about bullying prevention programs in schools? Research-based bullying prevention
programs combine six basic strategies school lwide:
1. Clear expectations and school-wide consistent consequences for words or actions that are
likely to hurt others or make them feel unsafe.
2. Positive staff-student connections and frequent action-based praise
3. Staff spend time with students
4. School staff help aggressive youth change
5. Staff support young people who are bullied
6. Staff help bystanders reach out to youth who are bullied to support them.
How can I talk with my child if he or she bullies someone else? Help your child tell you exactly what he or she did,
without excuses or blaming others. Remember that even if the other student involved did something, your child
made a choice to do what he did. Encourage her to talk about how that behavior affected the other person. Help him
find the goal he was trying to reach through hurting the other person- Did he want attention? Power? Fun? To be
left alone?
And help her find other ways to reach that goal without hurting others. If your child has been
punished at school, it will probably not be necessary to punish again at home (unless the
behavior was severe). Encourage your child to behave better next time.
How can I support my child if he or she is bullied at school? Avoid blaming your child for what others have done to
him or her. Think twice before giving advice- your child may have already tried the strategies you are going to
suggest. Get as much information as you can. Talk with your child’s teacher, principal, or counselor and ask them to
help your child be safe. Their intervention may include consequences for the student who bullies, increased
supervision, and helping your child make more friends if he or she is isolated. Ask your child what she has already
tried to resolve the problem. Praise her for all the things she has tried. Give him permission to stop doing the things
that haven’t worked to stop the bullying. Encourage him to keep telling you and other adults. Help him to think about
what has worked- or what might work. If your child is isolated, help her make connections through activities, hobbies,
or clubs. Help your child to heal through art, hobbies, positive relationships at school and away from school, and
through helping your child see the cruel behavior as a choice made by those who bullied him or her, rather than as
something he or she caused. What if my child is in an abusive friendship with someone who hurts him or her? Both
girls and boys sometimes get into friendships with someone who is a friend one day and mean the next; who talks
behind their backs; and who makes them feel that this mean behavior is somehow their fault. The best way for
young people to protect themselves from this hurt is to move on to other friendships, knowing that a real friend
doesn’t hurt you. Trudy Ludwig’s wonderful book My Secret Bully is a great help in talking about this issue with
young people. How can I encourage my child to speak up about bullying that he or she sees? Encourage
your children to join with others in telling adults when they see bullying and in reaching out in
friendship to isolated youth. Praise your children when they do these things. Remind them that
they have the power to help.
BULLYING
In the past, bullying was perceived as a fact of life and that kids should learn to just deal with it. Nowadays, a new
problem arises as teens and even young children are resorting to violence against others to release their stress and
tensions brought on by the bullying they endure. In some of these cases, the children have resorted to suicide
because they don't feel there's any other way to deal with what they're feeling. Here's how you can help:
Watch your child's behaviors for any changes- The best thing we can do as parents, is to encourage them to talk to
us and tell us when these things are happening, but most children aren't going to open up and tell you what's going
on. You will have to be perceptive to their behaviors and recognize when somethings amiss.
Some children being bullied will invent ways to get out of school or certain school activities. Other teens may have
trouble sleeping and concentrating when they're being bullied at school. Most of these children tend to become
depressed, irritable, and in some cases, physically ill. The best thing you can do for them is to keep in tune with their
behaviors as much as possible.
Talk to your child about Bullying-Your child's best defense against a bully is to know what to do before bullying
incidents start to occur. Make sure they know that it's not their fault that the bullying is taking place. You want them
to keep their self esteem intact as much as possible. Teach your child to avoid the bullies whenever they can,
without altering too much of their lives to do it.
Let them know that responding to a bully with violence will only make it worse. The ones that resort to bullying
activities thrive on the recipient's reaction; especially when it's fear. It's best to walk away when a bully approaches
you. If nothing else works for them, they can stand their ground and talk forcefully to the bully; letting them know that
they aren't afraid and won't be pushed around.
Work with school officials- If you know or even suspect that your child is being bullied, contact the school officials
and see what can be done about it. Schools have a responsibility to keep your child safe, so make sure they are
aware of the situation.
Keep in contact with them and see how things are coming along. Find out if the school is investigating and see if
they have done anything to rectify the situation, if one is occurring. If you feel the school isn't doing enough to fix the
situation, then don't be afraid to go to the school board to get answers and solutions.
The more we inform our children about bullies and not to become one themselves; the better off we will be for
protecting all children from these situations. With the rise in school shootings, schools are now implementing plans
to provide children with a safer place to get educated. Work with them as a team and hopefully, soon, this problem
will be a thing of the past.
